SL #6: Top 5 Holdens Go Back to School
Wouldn't it be crazy if I went to school for philosophy lol
Hello, all, and welcome back to the Sunday Listicle here on Trauma Response! Hopefully, you all enjoyed my impromptu Friday piece about my interactions with the Chicago Bicycle Brigade because I quite enjoyed writing it. As we all know, September is the month that everyone who’s anyone goes back to school, and, if you aren’t privy to the news, NYU recently launched a course dedicated to one of the best musical talents of my generation, Lana Del Rey. And I know, everyone has already been back to school for like two weeks or something, but this fits with the theme. As we all know, I went to college for comedy writing and performance at the almost 100% certain, soon-to-be for-profit school Columbia College Chicago, but, in the spirit of Back to School Season, I will be hearkening back to my college days and pondering how my life would be different had I chosen a different major. Strap in, and enjoy!
Holden Goes to School for Linguistics
Whenever I think about what I would’ve done if I didn’t go to school to be a silly little clown, my first thought is always that I would’ve gone to school for linguistics. In high school I took two years of French and one year of Latin, I didn’t particularly enjoy either but if I could do it all over again I would’ve forced myself to. I think this grand delusion that I would be interested in pursuing a degree in linguistics comes from my love of the 2016 film Arrival, directed by Denis Villeneuve and starring Amy Adams. In the film, Amy Adams plays a professor of linguistics who is recruited by the US government in an attempt to translate an extraterrestrial language after aliens land on earth. The entire movie is about how language changes the way we think and rewires our brain, and makes the thought of learning an alien language super duper fun. I doubt any aliens will be landing on earth anytime soon, and if they do I doubt they’d call me to try and communicate with them, but maybe, just maybe, if I had gone to school to study linguistics they just might have…
Holden Goes to Culinary School
I am no chef, and to be quite honest I’m fine with that. There are many things I’ve been accused of being: funny, charming, breathtakingly beautiful, but I’ve never been accused of having an “adventurous palette” when it comes to food. I like the things I like. I like sushi, I like pasta with no red sauce (I’m more of a pesto gal), and I even enjoy a nice steak on special occasions. Of course, I like a lot of other things too, but I am also steadfast in the things that I don’t like, and I will simply refuse to eat them (enchiladas, lasagna, a pot pie, for example). You might be wondering then, “Holden, why would you ever want to go to culinary school?” Food is like an art, even if I have a gut feeling that I’d hate something and refuse to eat it I can still appreciate the craftsmanship and beauty of a nice plate of food. Not to brag, but I have eaten at some pretty nice restaurants before and the higher up the ranks you climb the more fabulous the plating looks. Somewhere there is an alternate universe Holden that is working at RPM Steak here in Chicago and is plating a succulent platter of wagyu beef that someone has no doubt paid $500 for, it’s perfectly cooked, perfectly plated, and the rich person who ordered it will remember that steak for the rest of his life.
Holden Goes to Study the Classics
While I have never read The Secret History by Donna Tartt, I have read its Wikipedia page more than once. The Secret History is a novel about a poor boy who goes off to some fictional Ivy League school to study classics and gets swept up in a whirlwind of drama, bacchanals, and murder. For those of you who aren’t super gay and never had a Greek mythology phase in your youth, classics is the study of mostly Greek and Roman literature, as well as the study of the Ancient Greek and Latin languages. I, myself, am totally gay and also had a Greek mythology phase in my youth, and if I could do my whole life over again I just might try to be a hell of a lot smarter and better in school so I could apply to some Ivy League school and study this gay ass major. My options post-grad if I’d studied this major would probably be about the same as they are having studied comedy writing, I mean how many classics majors do you know with thriving careers? Nevertheless, the idea of going to school on the East Coast and studying Ancient Rome is a pleasant one, and one that I’m happy an alternate universe version of me is probably enjoying.
Holden Studies Philosophy
Again, had I studied philosophy in school I would probably have the same amount of job prospects as I already have, but hey, that’s life. Philosophy is a laughable major, I know, it’s the butt of everyone’s joke because it’s basically just chock-full of faux intellectuals who like to bicker over who to save from an approaching trolley. This might come as a surprise to many of you, but I have very strong opinions, especially when it comes to morals and ethics, and I love to argue. I think I’m pretty good at arguing, and I think that would suit me in a philosophical debate with my hypothetical peers. Philosophy is just a major where everyone thinks they’re right and are superior to everyone else because they are the ones who know how things should be, and frankly I feel like I would fit right in.
Holden Doesn’t go to School and Invests in Crypto
This is something I would never do. Cryptocurrency isn’t natural and it isn’t the future, but during a certain period, it was more valuable than gold. In a perfect world, I would’ve told my parents to invest in Bitcoin in, like, 2006 and by the time I graduated high school, we would be millionaires living in a mansion in Beverly Hills. Once I graduated high school I wouldn’t go to college because I’m rich and I don’t have to, instead, I would probably take a year off to travel Europe, and when I come back home I’d probably start a podcast about finance or something like that. In this timeline, I would never become aware of class consciousness, and I probably wouldn’t have as strong of morals as I do now, but I would be blissfully unaware of that. Would I be happy? Probably yes. Would I be going to hell for my decadence? Also probably yes.
I’m happy I made the choice that I did to go to silly little clown school, I had a fun time, I met some good friends, and I never would’ve met my boyfriend if I hadn’t moved to Chicago. In the end, I’m content, but one cannot stop dreaming of how things would change if their entire life was different. Don’t dwell on the past, my friends; instead, live in the present. Enjoy Back to School Season, and I’ll see you again on Tuesday!